Recently I stumbled across this fantastic exchange on twitter. It seems ridiculous but it was presented in such a matter-of-fact way that it must be true..

As other editors wrote in to enquire if everything was OK this got me thinking about all the times that fanzine editors/contributors got themselves into a pickle or maybe just made something up to excuse their tardiness. Turns out there were many excuses, apologies and corrections made over the years for slip ups or just plain bad luck and we’re not just talking about the classic ‘Sorry, printer jammed’ here either

The Shape of Things to Come?

I wonder if 1992 was the first time the “having no access to a computer” excuse was made. The year saw the release of Windows 3.1 and the first text being sent, the message Merry Christmas from the IBM Simon touchscreen (YES, in 1992!) phone/pda which sold just 50,000 units. 1992 also saw the editor of the Clyde fanzine Clyde-O-Scope (great name btw!) go much further than a simple excuse when he provided a detailed apology and special offer for the fanzine not being out on schedule as announced in the match day programme. The thought of not being able to get access to a computer today seems quite ridiculous but look, you got an extra 4 pages so be quiet.

Photographic memory

A lot of the photography in fanzines left a lot to be desired, that’s before you even factor in the terrible photocopying and printing that went on in a lot of them. We stay with Clyde-O-Scope issue 6 now which also contained an excuse that simply doesn’t appear any longer for this stunning photo from a Skol cup game that season.

Still, at least this was better than the photographic efforts contained in Bishop Stortford fanzine Cross Rhodes in June 1989.

News reaches us of the editors being banned from the ground via a couple of pictures of them STILL finding a way of watching the Blues. Fantastic effort and a great excuse for terrible photos. The adjoining article outlining their “excuse”, at being banned from the ground does tie in very well with many experiences of the time, club resistance to a fanzine proving more popular than the anaemic matchday programme.

Now I was prepared to accept their version of events that someone had leant across the turnstiles, however comedic this might seem. However, elsewhere in the fanzine the quote of the year from then manager John Radford (yes, THAT John Radford) hints at another event which might also have led to a ban from all club property. Of course, this might be a metaphor but surely you would just use the accepted from of “pissing into the tent” Who knows but we’re into an Inception like world of excuse upon excuse upon excuse here.

Through the wind and the rain?

Hanging On The Telephone was a Huddersfield fanzine that got in on the excuses act early on in its life. Issue 2 was supposed to be published in September 1990 at which point the Terriers were on a terrible run, that saw them sink to 20^th in division 3. The Terriers season was already in disarray, Craig Maskell had been sold preseason and the new Keith Edwards/Iwan Roberts combination up front wasn’t firing so after a 0-2 home defeat on the 22^nd September 1990 this editorial was written.

But…as it was waiting at the printers Huddersfield suddenly started winning games and then our heroes didn’t fancy getting wet before the next game (also won) and so by the time of the Bournemouth game on the 23^rd October when this issue was sold the Terriers were 11^th and they had to staple a correction editorial over the top of the first effort.

They couldn’t bring themselves to apologise to the players or management though, it was all down to the “unrelenting tide of encouragement” the fans had given. To be fair anyone who ever went to deepest darkest Millmoor knows that enthusiasm was never easy there. FYI the curse of the fanzine meant that they lost the Bournemouth game…before drawing with Mansfield.

LEGO!

I became quite agitated when I saw this cover of issue 5 of the classic City fanzine Electric Blue, I’ve been thinking about a Lego/Fanzine blog for a while but Subbuteo just swamps all other childish activities in fanzines ( https://footballfanzineculture.blog/2025/07/03/fanzines-and-subbuteo-the-perfect-match/ with much more to come!)

This was to prove another disappointment as the editor explains that the only reason for the mention is him having been playing with his Lego in honour of Howard Kendall’s attempts at rebuilding at Maine Road. A fine excuse for playing with Lego but not quite what I was hoping for.

Your parcel has been misplaced

How about the Leyton Orient staple Pandamonium? Many years ago their printer started using a new courier service. Unfortunately, the changeover didn’t go as planned and 450 copies of Panda’ were sent to some little old lady living in the Northeast. It’s not clear whether she ever paid the £225 she owed for all the fanzines.

This also happened to Made in Brum fanzine as well and the fix involved a match day round trip from Birmingham to Ipswich, on to Crystal Palace and then back to Brum to fix the problem. That’s 8 hours and 372 miles even on today’s much improved roads…I’m sure there were other mishaps along these lines.

I’ve told this story before but it’s worth relating again at this juncture, this time about boxes delivered to the RIGHT address but just to the wrong person. When Pete Doherty was due to sell his QPR fanzine All Quiet on the Western Avenue at Anfield he had the latest batch delivered to his grandma’s house in Liverpool.

Sensible idea on the face of it but doing what grandma’s do she opened the boxes to have a look at what was inside and when 15 year old Pete arrived went up the wall at all the swear words it contained (Ironically in an article not actually written by Pete) A deal was hastily struck and our hero had to tipex all the nasty words out before being allowed to start his sales pitch at Anfield.

Staying with parcel problems but adding the weather again, issue 3 of the Norwich fanzine I Can Drive a Tractor carried an extensive and quite lovely set of excuses for the not managing to sell many fanzines at recent games in 1994.

It’s great to see Parcel Force were just as reliable 35 years ago but quite why our hero felt the need to explain all of this is in detail is unclear, I don’t remember The Times carrying the headline “Tractor unavailable AGAIN!” but maybe I missed it. It does reveal the numbers they were selling (or potentially selling allowing for rain) not bad for a new provincial fanzine but bad luck? Buy a decent rain jacket lads!

Unbelievably, our hapless editor has to go on the defensive again later in issue 3, this time because of an article he’s lost from the local rag, the Eastern Daily Press. A wasted opportunity indeed.

But wait, there’s more….for the third time in one issue our hero must admit the truth, he is late with another article because of the superb excuse that..someone kept turning the electricity off…

Perhaps we should start a book on the max number of excuses ever found in one fanzine? It’s all lovely stuff though, laying bare the zeitgeist of a 90s fanzine seller.

Not so Super Furry Animals

Of course we have to have an animal based mishap, this wouldn’t be Blue Peter without it… Simon Wright of Grorty Dick relates the tale (tail? – Ed) of “our ginger cat urinating into our laser printer which cooked it” I mean that’s a great story but Simon continued “Insurance wouldn’t pay up either”. That was £500 to replace at 1980’s prices. OUCH! “The cat pissed into the printer” must be the 2^nd best excuse ever after “the bomb squad locked me out of my house”

The Final Whistle

While researching this blog I found out that in 1987 Robert A Myers published a book called Excuses, Excuses. This contained “A plentiful collection of unarguable excuses for every situation and covers areas ranging from the classroom to the bedroom” exciting stuff. Plus it includes “general advice for getting out of things including excuses such as tiredness, being busy, or needing time alone”….I’m not sure many fanzine proprietors read it.

Making excuses is an art. Obviously the whole thing must be believable but there can be elements that seem extreme, ridiculous bits that underpin the normal, humble tale lying above. It’s all about balance.

Fanzines were a hotbed of creativity, some of it good, some of it bad but there was always amazing creativity. So it was with the excuses and apologies that appeared as well. I would welcome any other tales of woe from editors past and present so we can run edition 2 of this blog and by the way, that story about the bomb squad in Preston…yep, it really happened https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/ckgkzx72g24o

You can get hold of the excellent Nose Bag and Pandamonium fanzines here. You have absolutely no excuse not to;

https://thenosebag.bigcartel.com/

pandafanzine1881@gmail.com