Adverts popped up in fanzines as a way of promoting friends, cutting losses, supporting local businesses or just making a joke. So, this week we return to the wacky world of ads with a nod to the superb Victor Lewis Smith TV show (a man Charlie Brooker should probably acknowledge at some point).

VAR japes

In honour of the sensational end of last night’s Motherwell – Celtic game let me present you with a spoof ad from the equally sensational Hartlepool fanzine Monkey Business. I’m including the cover above because it is amazing but in issue 8, their “Xmas Annual” from December 1990 they also ran this tremendous spoof charity ad/cheap referee joke.

Not content with their charitable work they also offered a “special binder” to store back issues of the fanzine in.

Local Business Support Machine

It wasn’t unusual for local night spots and businesses that editors frequented to appear in fanzines and so it was in Caley Thistle’s Life Support Machine, a fanzine never far from a pint o’ heavy.

First of all, lets deal with Frasers, a perfectly normal combination of Gentlemen’s Barber, Sports and Gift shop. You have to do whatever it takes in Inverness. Even more sensational that the ad is that one of the hairdressers was a Clach’ player (Local rivals Clachnacuddin FC) no discount offered for Clach fans though. I can just imagine wandering down Market arcade, getting a Flat Top and picking up some new tackle at the same time. What an emporium this must have been. The unit now appears to be a sweet shop.

The boys at LSM weren’t all about tight lines and flat tops though, they were probably hell raisers as well and Relax of Young Street was clearly a favourite of theirs based on this ad. Not that there was any shortage of choice, a trawl though Facebook reveals many many others, Berties, Dempsters, The Moray, Eagle Bar (public and upstairs) The Carlton, The Crit, Columba Hotel, Relax, Reflections, Barbazza, American bar on Eastgate, The Hayloft, Dillingers, Macallums, Cummings, Tryst and Waves, and that’s just from one person. There is now a bar serving cocktails, bar food and cigars called Encore Une Fois on this spot, the night is still young on Young Street it seems. (Bloody hell! – ED)

Reds Issues

In the winter of 1991, there were calls for Alex Ferguson to be sacked, OK, mainly by fanzine Red Issue but they were pretty upset about the state of the team at the time and showed this with a spoof ad for “Old Trafford Motors” and a Ferguson Used Carata Knockdown Unbeatable Price. You can imagine the lads sat round a pub table making this one up and the Ford Escort XR3Ince “shit hot but a bit temperamental” is a belter, accurate whether describing the car or player.

Charlton Territory

Sort of staying with a Manyoo connection, Ashington AFC had a fanzine, oh yes they did. The club’s website states the following “The worst period in the Club’s history followed as Ashington struggled, the club hit rock bottom in 1994 when they were unable to raise a team against Crook Town resulting in the whole committee resigning. A public meeting saw a new committee formed and to celebrate, a group of supporters launched the highly acclaimed fanzine ‘The Pit Pony Express’.”

With this in mind it will not surprise you that issue 2 of The Pit Pony Express from 1994 is chaotic and has everything you would expect from a Northern League fanzine; Film reviews, a report of a Liverpool vs Manchester United game, an evening with Bobby Charlton, poetry and extensive previews of the 1994 World Cup, arresting reading indeed. For the purposes of this article, we’ll focus on the adverts though because they are wonderful.

First there is an actual advert for World Cup 94 merch with the cup mascot involved (bonus points if you remember his name, see below if you don’t). It’s a fair criticism of what looks like a beach ball rather than the official match ball. The bit about the music star also dates itself by mentioning mega band Guns ‘n Roses. Below this there is their own attempt to get in on the bandwagon. I’m pretty sure they weren’t the official T shirt partner for USA94 though they get my vote with words guaranteeing to “send seven shades of shit through any would-be mugger”

Then there are the local businesses, Mario’s café has already been mentioned as a stockist of PPE T shirts and their ad is no nonsense stuff, chips and salad covering all the dietary bases.

Next to this though is something that makes the mind boggle. The Horseless Carriage sells “brass, wicker and cane and unusual gifts” The ad is finished off with the phrase “Sculptures and our greeting card selection will fulfil all your needs” A 14,200 strong Facebook forum called Ashington Memories has the following comment “a wonderful shop. Think they also had similar in Warkworth with a massive Gorilla in it, which was stolen one day.” Come on Kath, how was a massive gorilla stolen. Someone else reports still owning these coasters purchased in the establishment…

There is also “Flip side” which you can only assume was a record shop…no messing about with half day closing on Wednesday for them. I confirmed on the forum that it was a record shop from this post “I remember the bargain record bin where the corner of the sleeve was cut off. I got a limited edition of beautiful south 12″ on white vinyl.  Great shop and memories.” Limited edition or not, if the corner of the sleeve was cut off I doubt that will fetch much today.

What’s great about these ads is their no nonsense, no pretence nature. Business name, address and phone number included if you wanted to ring to see if they had a copy of Fly fishing by JR Hartley.

Laahndaan

Back down to the nation’s capital now and a visit to Plough Lane, undoubtedly the worst ground ever to grace the top division with the strangely named Grapevine fanzine reporting on crazy gang era adventures of Wimbledon in 1990.

This fanzine was a cracker, full to the brim of stats, maps, travel guides, fanzine reviews and many great op-eds along with a regular and serious feature called “Women in the Stands” giving a female view of football, one of few fanzines doing this at the time.

To the ads though. We have a classic of the sub genre of things that are rare but existed; The sponsored fanzine player of the year award. This goes to beloved Dutch keeper Hans Segers who is bizarrely caricatured wearing a Viking helmet. There is the promise of a presentation on the pitch from award sponsors Jackson Windows without saying what form the award took. If it wasn’t a UPVC sealed double glazing unit I will be very disappointed. To top this off they mention that Hans is route one hoofmaster, was booked for molestation at Derby and the award will take place before his 75^th appearance with him “now fast approaching 100 competitive matches for the Dons” That’s how numbers work lads.

As if this wasn’t enough there is a halftone ad for Cosmic Office Supplies to advertise their full colour copying service. You’d think it was run by Rodney Trotter but no it’s Tony Cooper and this itself begs the question why not use the by line “Call Tony Cooper, Just Like That!” (Move on – Ed)

Happy Memories

Chelmsford City’s To Be Frank issue 11 from 1996 reproduced this remarkable advert from… Worcester. I’m not sure that your loved one would “feel at home amongst the recorded photo highlights of ’66 in the candlelight, much less want to “Feel the agony of that last second West German equaliser” on a romantic night out but you never know. I’m all for restaurants embracing concepts as long as I don’t have to be the Guinea pig but I’d prefer that to be something like fusion cooking for example…

Even When Saturday Comes were in on the ad game, offering very aggressive commission rates in a number of fanzines in the late 80s. You can’t help feeling running this in your club zine was cutting off your nose to spite your face even if you did get paid for it. Camaraderie or not, when you were offering a free copy of the zine as payment this might have caused issues in the fraternity of fanzines.

Chain Smoking Legends

Motherwell fanzine, One Step Beyond weren’t content with running current, paid for or spoof adverts, they had a feature called “Really Old Adverts” with, well, really old adverts that were not that old at the time and pretty tasty they were as well. Sorbothane inserts, a chain-smoking Cesar Menoti, 2-part polyurethane soles (not just painted!), The Trevor Francis Silverline range, free shaving advisory leaflets, just look at this treasure trove from Issue 84 in 2008.

Also in One Step Beyond issue 22 in 2000 was this tantalising ad..fanzine culture packs in particular caught my eye. Zinescene was a really interesting member of a limited set of mail order fanzine outlets, and they ran their own fanzine about fanzines…yes, you heard, that right. I’ve about 11 editions of it and it is superb, but that’s a story for another day.

Final Whistle

There was nothing wrong with fanzines taking ads to supplement their income, supporting a local business was hardly sports washing now was it?

As we’ve said before these ads are a reminder of the way we were and are now a valuable source for local librarians when someone comes in and asks if there is any record of the business their Auntie Pauline used to work at on Foregate.

More than that though they are a good reminder of the local nature of fanzines, supporting your local or home team with stats and features in print with the odd rant and joke thrown in.

The USA94 dog mascot was called Striker by the way.